Wednesday, July 30, 2014

NEVER EVER watch | Lucy

If you haven't seen Lucy, then SAVE YOUR MONEY. When it comes streaming to Netflix, then SAVE YOUR TIME. This movie is a ridiculous attempt to imagine an impossible "what-if" scenario. I was predisposed to hate this movie, as the trailer includes the statement that humans use only 10% of their brains - FALSE. Other grievances (spoilers ahead, not that it matters because this movie barely has a plot):
  • Lucy's mom is the worst character. Lucy talks to her on the phone and her mother speaks s o  s l o w l y and DOES NOT REALIZE how INCREDIBLY HIGH her daughter is, despite Lucy's ramblings about how she can feel her blood and also the universe.
  • The professor who does "research" on using the brain fully has NO DATA. NONE AT ALL. Students ask him what his evidence is, he says he only has hypotheses, and true to snarky college student form they storm out TOTALLY ACCEPT THIS LACK OF PROOF AS A LEGITIMATE STANCE UPON WHICH TO LECTURE.
  • It makes NO SENSE that having a fully functioning brain (which you do, by the way, congratulations) would affect anything outside of your skull. But Lucy acquires weird telekinetic powers and knows how to control them immediately.
  • A million pointless shots of energy or drugs or whatever racing through purple organs.
  • She shoots everybody who is maybe in her way. She leaves the guy who is basically her worst enemy ALIVE WITH KINDA BLOODY HANDS.
  • She declares that she has no desire anymore and then kisses the French dude. For practicality's sake?
  • She can write a prescription without any medical training.
  • When henchmen are ordered to kill the murderous blonde, they point their guns at her and chill. When she takes their guns, they raise their fists and chill. When she PINS THEM TO THE CEILING they wiggle angrily.
  • The bad guys are shown in GLORIFYING SLOW-MO as they try to take down Lucy with a ROCKET.
  • She powers back through time for NO APPARENT REASON and no one notices her - okay, maybe she's just observing and she's not really there - BUT THEN FOUR GUYS STARE AT HER. WHAT. EVEN.
  • She puts the secrets of the universe on a flash drive.
  • There is no plot to this movie. She realizes she's gonna die, so she... dies... and then she's everywhere and then that's it. There are no further implications (except for the gazillions of random people she killed).
I was even considering giving this a generous two stars for entertainment value but then it took this weird 2001 turn with the whole origins-of-the-world thing that CULMINATED WITH A BLACK MONOLITH and then I was just so so so done.

1 star. Out of 5. Because this movie gave people jobs, so I guess that's something.

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